In Denial

img_0059I didn’t accept my diagnosis of schizophrenia at first.  When the psychiatrist told me that my diagnosis was schizophrenia, I didn’t believe him.  I didn’t think it could affect me. How could I suffer from one of the most severe and serious mental illnesses?

I thought my ideas of a conspiracy against me, that the government was watching me, that people were trying to frame for a crime, that they weren’t a symptom of illness.  But that other healthy people could also imagine these things happening to themselves.  For instance, some people believe that 9/11 was a conspiracy and they wouldn’t be diagnosed with schizophrenia.

During my first episode,  I did have one hallucination.  I saw a grey wolf snarling at me in the hallway of my house at one point.  At the time when I saw it,  I was absolutely terrified.  But that one hallucination, I completely block out of my memory.  I adamantly believed that I never had any hallucinations of any kind.  I thought I was healthy, not schizophrenic.

I finally accepted that I had schizophrenia after my second episode.  That was when I had multiple hallucinations and believed that my family was collaborating with the government to experiment on me.  Today, I see myself as a person living with schizophrenia, for better or for worse.

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