I didn’t accept my diagnosis of schizophrenia at first. When the psychiatrist told me that my diagnosis was schizophrenia, I didn’t believe him. I didn’t think it could affect me. How could I suffer from one of the most severe and serious mental illnesses?
I thought my ideas of a conspiracy against me, that the government was watching me, that people were trying to frame for a crime, that they weren’t a symptom of illness. But that other healthy people could also imagine these things happening to themselves. For instance, some people believe that 9/11 was a conspiracy and they wouldn’t be diagnosed with schizophrenia.
During my first episode, I did have one hallucination. I saw a grey wolf snarling at me in the hallway of my house at one point. At the time when I saw it, I was absolutely terrified. But that one hallucination, I completely block out of my memory. I adamantly believed that I never had any hallucinations of any kind. I thought I was healthy, not schizophrenic.
I finally accepted that I had schizophrenia after my second episode. That was when I had multiple hallucinations and believed that my family was collaborating with the government to experiment on me. Today, I see myself as a person living with schizophrenia, for better or for worse.